I’ve been beating my head against walls of dirt.
What was supposed to be a grave becomes a home.
I learned how to build it under shame and self-hatred.
I traded away all my light for false approval.
To say I beat the odds, against it all.
But winning never felt like winning.
I had this feeling like I was living.
But I just don’t know anymore.
Because being near death makes me feel alive.
And I’ve washed my face with sharper knives.
Such is the ways of violent men, from start to end.
I learned nothing else but to go deeper.
After all I’ve lived, that’s what I’m left with.
This isn’t the life I chose, it’s what’s you gave to me.
Stuck in the earth, six feet deep.
Everyone is so innocent until they’re exposed.
And I’ve watched my skeletons crawl from mouths closed.
Contrition was my mission and I’ve reached the peak.
With such violent sorrow, I begin to speak.
That all of my problems aren’t just me.
But every conversation causes you to flee.
I used to believe I deserved the abuse.
The only escape I found was in my use.
Shut it down, erase all doubt.
Shut it down, string me out.
And if I’m truly broken, try continuing the process.
Out of all that brokenness, I’ve learned how to be free.
Into everything you’re not, everything I shouldn’t be.
You see outside, but you won’t see in.
My words don’t penetrate your skin.
I’ve grown sick of every mask I used to wear.
And don’t tell me it was my doing, I’m well aware.
Defending you, carrying your sword and shield.
I lay down my arms in hopes of feeling healed.
Forgiveness isn’t forgetting, but it’s now your turn.
I’ve already lit the match, now watch it all burn.