Harm & Effect

 

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You are the dark cloud over my past, present, and future.  Not a real man, just a spineless pretender. An ego-maniacal maggot, toxic scum of the earth. One who lays fists to your own blood. Heaving words like spears. You stole all that was good, ripped away innocence. Stripped me of my dignity, all those childhood dreams. If only you could see me now. Not the same helpless youth waiting on a false revelation. I’ve manufactured my own destiny. Obliterated your relics and built my own life. Brick by brick, building you out of all that I am. The old me would break your teeth like you broke bottles. Break bread at the dinner table, give off an image that we’re mentally stable. Don’t let anyone know what goes on between these paper-thin walls. Paper-thin hearts, the ones that just keep ripping and ripping and ripping until there’s nothing more. Nothing left, only vacancy left in my chest. A cry for help, an aimless shot in the dark. I didn’t get the luxury of ever giving my best. Because the good was never good enough. The bad was always worse. See, sometimes I think if you’d be given the chance to change, you would. But don’t mistake my kindness for pity. I keep forgiving and forgiving til I can barely speak. So leave me speechless. Keep taking all my reason. Keep making me regret every opening I ever gave. Keep raking everyone over the coals. Watch them burn and burn and burn. I’ve tried cleaning out my closet. Memories continue to pour out like water. But I can’t seem to put out the flames. The hate that burns in you. If we could just go back to the start, maybe things would be different. Break the cycle before it breaks us. Or see right through your thin skin. Madness grips itself around my head. Obstructing my logic, only wanting an endless revenge. I’d bury you before you’d even get a chance. The only reason you still breathe is that I need peace. I need something more than the hell you gave me, my loved ones, my entire family. Anxiety no longer breeds, just stays dormant until it finds what it needs. It feeds on the fact that I still believe those things you pounded into my head. That we were nothing and you were king. Fine, take your crown, take your pride, take your righteousness, take it all. I want nothing else. Because I’ll survive off the scraps you gave up. Be a better man than you’ll ever dream to be. I’ll break the abusive cycle, break it until it bleeds. I want nothing to do with you or whatever you believe. And when you grow old, you’ll find that you’re all alone. Your kingdom turned to ash. Your throne became your tomb. You may still be the monster in my head but I learned how to be the hero. And we’re nearing this story’s end. So goodbye forever, be gone, be dead.

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