I know I haven’t been myself lately.
Problem is the self you had was never the self I was.
Hell, sometimes I feel like someone else lately.
I got used to numbing whatever that self was inside becoming what you had, what I thought was the only thing I had.
So I cut the rope and ran. Anxiety was suffocating me so I tried to detach with love.
They never tell you how far to run from your disease until you’re already too far.
Now here I am crawling my way back into what I left, I understand.
You see making these amends beyond just living becomes harder with each passing day I’ve been gone.
I shed a lot of myself to get to this point, cut up my soul just pick up the phone.
But we were having a good time, laughing and just being. Not a care in the world, I felt like I was human again.
Sun was shining, I felt connected. Breeze in my face, I felt like I was flying.
I felt like the son, the brother, the friend you had lost. I felt like everything I said I would never be.
And then the time came where it all came crashing down, you picked me up and let me fall to the ground.
I tore down the walls while you drew the line. Set up the firing squad to show who’s on your side.
And yet my heart still bleeds for you and not for me.
Time had paused to show me that no matter if we’re both human, I’m still different from you.
I wasn’t the son, the brother, the friend. I became nothing with the spark of a lighter.
For the first time in a long time, I was alone.
The countless journeys I took to Death’s door didn’t matter.
The dirt is still under my fingernails from when I clawed my way out of that hole.
All the pain, shame, guilt, loss, strength, tears I used to back to you didn’t matter.
Because in that moment, I didn’t exist.