Kept

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Photo taken by Laura Makabresku

 

Where do I begin and where did you end? I’ve been thinking that the way I handled our love was all wrong. And I’m not the man I thought I was. Maybe I am now, but not then. I would like to say that Cupid had armor-piercing arrows to get through to this protected heart of mine. But that’s not the case, I love easily. I have a big heart but it easily shrinks when I feel a threat. Most of the threats that have happened were brought to life in my own head. Manifesting themselves like apparitions that painted such dark images, clouding my vision. And when I hurt, no one is safe around me. Like an atom bomb, no clock ticking just a slow, ominous descent into laying waste. As much as I’ve learned about this so called disease, I still wander off in my thoughts. Hoping they could take me back. Back to a time and place with the newfound knowledge to make less mistakes. But life has given me no second takes, at least not with you. You didn’t wander off, you ran. At first I couldn’t fathom having no control. But I’ve learned that people will come and go in my life. I have no option but to love the time we have and let go when you’re gone. By death or by choice, I couldn’t have forced anyone to stay. This is why I believe each day is truly a new day. Some days we wake up wishing these things weren’t true. We believe that going on without you makes no sense. There’s no point. But there is a point to all this madness, I promise. Life teaches us lessons that take a while to learn. I’ve learned that loss shouldn’t get in the way of love. Forming new bonds and losing old ones like the ebb and flow of waves crashing on a shore. This is life. I still find it hard to say goodbye. So maybe I’m not even doing this right. Because even though you left, I still keep your memory. Sometimes I carefully take it off the shelf and enjoy it for what it was. Other times I tear it off the shelf and greive, clutching it like it’s the last thing I have left. Love isn’t painful, loss is. I can’t control life and death. But I can control me to some extent. I’m working hard to be a person who gives you no reason to leave. I want to be every reason you stay. Loss shouldn’t create losses inside of me. And if death intervenes in what becomes of us, you might be gone but I will keep you right next to me.

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