Stop Hiding, Start Seeking

wheelchair-1501993_1280These bones I used to believe to be steel beams can’t hold all the weight I’ve put on myself. My frame wasn’t built as indestructible as I once thought. Those days seem so long ago and yet like they were yesterday. My memory is improving with each passing day I avoid old habits. But some habits can’t seem to be broken. Perpetuating my will on the world in sick scenario after another, my manipulation has led to many complications. And my implication can’t be more wrong. Because at the end of those situations the one I’m manipulating is me. I’ve been chasing balance since this chapter started. Not to sound like the victim but I’m tired of wasting my time on meaningless ends. Today, I’m tying up those loose ends, justifying the means. No more waterboarding myself with guilt and shame. No more drowning myself in mirrored images of the devil in me. I’m wiping my tired eyes and opening them up to be shared with the world around. Those windows to the soul, I’m allowing you to look inside. See my broken branches, my rusting bones. See my thin skin, my wasted efforts. See my scars, my failures. See me. I’m okay. See my hands, my work. See my roots, my growth. See my heart, my love. See me. I’m better. Better than I was, maybe better than I will be after some time. But I’ll cherish this fleeting moment of peace in my heart as serenity. It can leave and my shouting can’t guide it back. This is okay. I’m keeping my ear to the ground and speaking softly so as to not disrupt this progress. Speaking his name doesn’t send shivers down my spine the same now. It still hurts. Still opens the floodgates to gush out a little self-loathing. But Rome wasn’t built in a day and my soul won’t find its beauty by tomorrow. Someday I will die and my soul will find its way to his. It won’t be sad or happy. It won’t be long-awaited or long overdue. It’ll just be. And although these once believed steel bones are rusting, I’m not trying to fix them. Let them crumble, it’s time to start anew.

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