Gray

cemetery-1655378_1920It’s the gray that kills me. Not the most painful black sorrow. Not the ever-flowing, warm white. I’ve consistently miscalculated the time periods of the highs and lows of life. I’ll say I’ll just ride the wave until it crests and crashes me down again back into the depths. But what happens when the water is still? No weathering a storm, no riding any waves. Just calm gray water surrounding me. I become riddled with the idea that these are my lowest points. Not the pain, not the sorrow. Not the death of losing someone I love, not the sad torturing heartbreak we all tend to feel. My lowest point in when I feel nothing. Bored with life and what it has to offer me at this point. Just the nauseating fear of stark nothingness. I go through periods of growth to find myself complacent again. Back at the beginning. Rebirthing into something great to age back into what I was before, worse. You see, I welcome the pain and the chaos. It’s cold but cozy, inviting but hostile. It’s pure. The darkness keeps me grounded, closer to believing there’s a purpose to its pain. Closer to being human, to having a soul, to believing in something greater. I welcome that heartache. That sinking feeling in your chest that this might be the be-all, end-all. Only to scratch and claw my way out with feelings of accomplishment. But then everything good and bad recedes and I’m left empty-handed and alone. And isn’t that everyone’s’ fear? It has to be the most terrifying. That’s why I go to meetings, to just remind myself I’m not alone. But when those points come when your heart and soul are empty, devoid of love and hate, you have to wonder if this is what it is. If this is what it’s all about. Nothing. No greater love, no greater hate. That at the end of all of this, the struggle of having a soul, there is nothing. I’m not talking about death and no afterlife. I’m talking about what connects us all to each other. We either live in hate or love because we are afraid that deep down, we have nothing to offer the world. We are afraid that deep down we have no purpose. There is not only just black and white, there’s a huge chasm of gray inside of us. It’s not just the laughing and the crying, it’s the void we all try to fill.  We are deeply conflicted beings who search endlessly for answers. Only to come up short and resort back to old beliefs to give us our answers. But I’m tired of chasing dreams that separate me from you. I want to face the void, I want to meet the gray head on. I’m tired of being caught between heaven and hell, letting it consume who I am. Line up the souls, hand in hand, and together we can welcome what truly connects us all. The void, the nothing, the empty, the gray.

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