Narrow Space


I want to be one with the birds. Fly high in the sky and kiss heaven. Tell the god I used to believe in that I’m sorry I flew to close to the sun. It’s not that I lost faith, it’s that faith lost me. I cleaned up and I swore it was going to strengthen my resolve. But that narrow space between us only grew deeper. That pain clung on to the strings tugging at my heart making me feel like I was in the wrong. That I, myself, was all wrong. I couldn’t help but think that it was all my fault. I was too broken to have anything higher than myself. But I truly believe my love knows no bounds other than when it comes to loving myself. I’m just untouched by it. My love cannot fail because that’s all I have left. It cannot fail. Strip away the human parts of me and what stands before you? I don’t know, I often dream of what it would be. Death knows no fear and I know no death. But I’ve flirted with it, came close with bullets and needles. I wonder if it’s hidden in those black thoughts, a complete part with my disease. Stretching from ear to ear inside my head. They say if I work a program enough I’ll find something to believe in. They say if I keep trying I’ll get a little better. But I hold myself to the highest standards and set myself up to fail every time. A part of me enjoys watching the struggle. Kicking and screaming inside every single time. When I start to cover some ground, make up for what I lack. I can’t grasp what is physically not of this world. But I keep trying to build what religion created so easily. A god, a savior, a book, principles and teachings. I constantly pace the floor searching the small spaces in my head for some clues to what is real and what is created by fallible people. What happened when I got clean? My false sense of spirituality brought on by cloudy drugs left. I was left with no options but to pick myself up and try to find what makes sense to me. What happened when religion wasn’t enough for me? I woke up to the world around me. This isn’t a goodbye directed towards the end of something. I truly hope and believe that this is just the beginning.

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